Alternative topics 3: The 10 worst films of all time and what lessons they teach about film-making
There have been millions of films made over the last century-and sadly not all of them are wonderful and memorable a la Citizen Kane and Casablanca. In fact, some of them are the worst jumbled-up nonsense ever to disgrace cinemas around the world.
Almost everyone has a list of top 10, top 50, or top 100 worst films of all time, even if only in their mind, and so do I even though I have not seen as many films as some of my generation and generally manage to avoid viewing the obviously poor quality films. I have selected this list not only because they are so poor but also because of what they teach about how to, or rather how not to, make films. Please note that IMDb ratings are not, generally speaking, factored into choosing the films for this list.
1. Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966). Many people cite the 1959 science fiction film Plan 9 From Outer Space, ineptly directed by infamous "Z movie" director Ed Wood, as the worst film ever made, but ironically it is not because its general ineptitude makes it unintentionally amusing. Manos: The Hands of Fate, on the other hand, has no redeeming features whatsoever and is basically unwatchable (I actually viewed it a few years ago just to see how bad it really was). It was made by a fertiliser salesman called Harold P. Warren simply for a bet, which is never a good reason to make a film. The actors were also just amateur associates of Mr Warren, and all but one never made another film appearance. The film plot is incoherent, the filming itself is atrocious and appears to have been completed by someone who was drunk, "editing" did not feature as a concept, several scenes are so blatantly irrelevant to the plot, and the dialogue is terrible throughout. In other words, this, and not Plan 9, truly deserves the title of "worst film ever". Its IMDb score was the worst for years, and justifiably so; it still holds the worst rating on "Rotten Tomatoes" with an average rating barely exceeding 1 out of 10.
Lesson: You have to know what you are doing before making a film. Mr Warren most certainly did not!
2. Monster A-Go-Go (1965). This horror film, which also does not contain anything featured in the title, never really got finished-the original director, Bill Rebane, ran out of money halfway through production of the film. Herschell Gordon Lewis then bought the film and tried to finish it, in such a cackhanded and incoherent way the second half of the film appeared to be another film entirely tacked on to the original. Its ineptitude is similar to that of Manos: The Hands of Fate, with the added feature of the film being so disjointed that the film reel should have been left in the box where it belonged.
Lesson: The late Magnus Magnusson's catchphrase "I've started so I'll finish" is a crucial one in filmmaking. If you cannot be certain you can finish making a film, do not even bother starting to do so!
3. Heaven's Gate (1980). A clear exercise in which pouring enormous amounts of money into a film plot not only did not make it better, but in fact made it worse. This film is more infamous than the previous two on this list because not only is it terrible, but also because as a result, Michael Cimino's promising career as a film director was ruined, the once acclaimed United Artists studio went bankrupt as a result of the US$37 million loss it made, and the western film genre was tarnished as a result. Its animal cruelty is sickening and Mr Cimino's obsessive control over the film was notorious, demanding as many as 50 takes for some film scenes, 5-10 times as many as are normally required. As a direct result, studios took greater control of film production, which also meant that there are far fewer great film masterpieces today than there were prior to the 1980s.
Lesson: Do not spend far more than you need to in making films and do not overdo it-quantity does not equal quality!
4. Dunyayi Kurtaram Adam (1982). The film's title means "The Man Who Saved The World" in Turkish. Not only is it a dreadful and poorly constructed film but also large proportions of the footage, as well as all of the music tracks, were stolen from other films, giving a new meaning to the words "copyright infringement". The plot of this film itself has been pieced together from well-known respected films including Star Wars and Conan The Barbarian. It is astounding that the writer of this film, Cuneyt Arkin, never faced lawsuits from the Star Wars franchise.
Lesson: Do your own film-making and your own soundtracks-plagiarism does not pay!
5. Mac and Me (1989). This film is not only a terrible rip-off of the more famous E.T.-The Extra-Terrestrial, but furthermore it is not so much a film as an excuse for product placement by McDonald's, Coca-Cola and Sears. The term "Mysterious Alien Creature" or MAC, and a dance track featuring mascot Ronald McDonald, are key clues to the true agenda of this shoddy film. It is not really a film about human encounters with aliens but about misusing film time for corporate advertisement purposes. Any "product placement" in films or television should be unintentional and primarily related to the character using them, such as the use of Jaguar MkIIs in Withnail & I and the Inspector Morse television series.
Lesson: Films are not there for product placement purposes-they are there to entertain!
6. Troll 2 (1990). In The Simpsons episode "Bart on the Road", Bart Simpson's classmate Nelson Muntz quotes after seeing a film entitled "Naked Lunch", "I can think of at least two things wrong with that title." about a film that only has two words in its title. The same applies to Troll 2. Despite purporting to be a sequel of the film Troll (in of itself a bad film) it most definitely is not, and nor does it contain any trolls, but rather goblins. In fact, the town the family visit in the film is called Nilbog, which anyone with any sense can see is "goblin" spelled backwards and is a key hallmark of how badly designed Troll 2 is. The soundtrack is also completely irrelevant to the setting and ambience of the film, and the werewolf featured on the original cover never appeared anywhere in the film.
Lesson: Make sure the title and music are actually relevant to the overall film premise!
7. Highlander 2: The Quickening (1991). This built upon the success of the original Highlander film, based on the televised series of the same name. However, it flopped spectacularly, for several reasons: firstly, it failed to follow a proper sequence from the predecessor films, as any sequel is meant to do, secondly, it lacks any real effort for either the characters or the new premise, thirdly, it changes the atmosphere in such a way (from fantasy to science fiction) that it insults the original Highlander film, and fourthly, it adopts the retconning technique when it had no need to do so. Whilst two other terrible sequels to excellent original films have received ratings close to the appalling ratings this film has achieved (namely Exorcist 2 and Jaws: The Revenge), I have selected Highlander 2: The Quickening because it is not even a proper sequel to the first film.
Lesson: A sequel is only a sequel when it properly follows on from the original film!
8. Gigli (2003). This excuse for a romantic comedy notably starred many A-list actors, including Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, and Al Pacino. The plot is dreadful and largely nonsensical, it is not amusing despite trying to be a comedy film, nor is there much romance. It is an exercise in how first-class actors cannot improve a terrible script or plot.
Lesson: The quality of the film is just as important as the talent and renown of the actors in it!
9. Disaster Movie (2008). This film attempted to parody the disaster film genre, well known for overplaying disasters and often absurd premises. It failed to do so, relying too much on forced humour (which is not humourous at all), pop culture gags, and ripping off as many references at all. The overall film is too absurd to be amusing or even approach the term "quality" and it tries too hard to parody apocalyptic films At least the title of this film is half accurate-it qualifies as an unmitigated disaster.
Lesson: There are limits in film-making and parody-know where they are!
10. United Passions (2015). This is nothing more than a self-aggrandising propaganda exercise for FIFA, which was also so badly timed as it coincided with the FIFA corruption scandal. In fact 90% of the film's budget, almost none of which was made back at the box office, was financed by FIFA. Just after it premiered, however, everyone could see that this "drama film", if it can be called that, for the propoganda exercise that it was. Not only is the drama poor but the topic was not a good subject for a film and it is so blatantly biased in favour of FIFA, even when the corruption scandal was well-known. If anything, it further damaged FIFA's reputation and painted them as more arrogant than they already were.
Lesson: Films should never be used for corporate propaganda purposes!
Almost everyone has a list of top 10, top 50, or top 100 worst films of all time, even if only in their mind, and so do I even though I have not seen as many films as some of my generation and generally manage to avoid viewing the obviously poor quality films. I have selected this list not only because they are so poor but also because of what they teach about how to, or rather how not to, make films. Please note that IMDb ratings are not, generally speaking, factored into choosing the films for this list.
1. Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966). Many people cite the 1959 science fiction film Plan 9 From Outer Space, ineptly directed by infamous "Z movie" director Ed Wood, as the worst film ever made, but ironically it is not because its general ineptitude makes it unintentionally amusing. Manos: The Hands of Fate, on the other hand, has no redeeming features whatsoever and is basically unwatchable (I actually viewed it a few years ago just to see how bad it really was). It was made by a fertiliser salesman called Harold P. Warren simply for a bet, which is never a good reason to make a film. The actors were also just amateur associates of Mr Warren, and all but one never made another film appearance. The film plot is incoherent, the filming itself is atrocious and appears to have been completed by someone who was drunk, "editing" did not feature as a concept, several scenes are so blatantly irrelevant to the plot, and the dialogue is terrible throughout. In other words, this, and not Plan 9, truly deserves the title of "worst film ever". Its IMDb score was the worst for years, and justifiably so; it still holds the worst rating on "Rotten Tomatoes" with an average rating barely exceeding 1 out of 10.
Lesson: You have to know what you are doing before making a film. Mr Warren most certainly did not!
2. Monster A-Go-Go (1965). This horror film, which also does not contain anything featured in the title, never really got finished-the original director, Bill Rebane, ran out of money halfway through production of the film. Herschell Gordon Lewis then bought the film and tried to finish it, in such a cackhanded and incoherent way the second half of the film appeared to be another film entirely tacked on to the original. Its ineptitude is similar to that of Manos: The Hands of Fate, with the added feature of the film being so disjointed that the film reel should have been left in the box where it belonged.
Lesson: The late Magnus Magnusson's catchphrase "I've started so I'll finish" is a crucial one in filmmaking. If you cannot be certain you can finish making a film, do not even bother starting to do so!
3. Heaven's Gate (1980). A clear exercise in which pouring enormous amounts of money into a film plot not only did not make it better, but in fact made it worse. This film is more infamous than the previous two on this list because not only is it terrible, but also because as a result, Michael Cimino's promising career as a film director was ruined, the once acclaimed United Artists studio went bankrupt as a result of the US$37 million loss it made, and the western film genre was tarnished as a result. Its animal cruelty is sickening and Mr Cimino's obsessive control over the film was notorious, demanding as many as 50 takes for some film scenes, 5-10 times as many as are normally required. As a direct result, studios took greater control of film production, which also meant that there are far fewer great film masterpieces today than there were prior to the 1980s.
Lesson: Do not spend far more than you need to in making films and do not overdo it-quantity does not equal quality!
4. Dunyayi Kurtaram Adam (1982). The film's title means "The Man Who Saved The World" in Turkish. Not only is it a dreadful and poorly constructed film but also large proportions of the footage, as well as all of the music tracks, were stolen from other films, giving a new meaning to the words "copyright infringement". The plot of this film itself has been pieced together from well-known respected films including Star Wars and Conan The Barbarian. It is astounding that the writer of this film, Cuneyt Arkin, never faced lawsuits from the Star Wars franchise.
Lesson: Do your own film-making and your own soundtracks-plagiarism does not pay!
5. Mac and Me (1989). This film is not only a terrible rip-off of the more famous E.T.-The Extra-Terrestrial, but furthermore it is not so much a film as an excuse for product placement by McDonald's, Coca-Cola and Sears. The term "Mysterious Alien Creature" or MAC, and a dance track featuring mascot Ronald McDonald, are key clues to the true agenda of this shoddy film. It is not really a film about human encounters with aliens but about misusing film time for corporate advertisement purposes. Any "product placement" in films or television should be unintentional and primarily related to the character using them, such as the use of Jaguar MkIIs in Withnail & I and the Inspector Morse television series.
Lesson: Films are not there for product placement purposes-they are there to entertain!
6. Troll 2 (1990). In The Simpsons episode "Bart on the Road", Bart Simpson's classmate Nelson Muntz quotes after seeing a film entitled "Naked Lunch", "I can think of at least two things wrong with that title." about a film that only has two words in its title. The same applies to Troll 2. Despite purporting to be a sequel of the film Troll (in of itself a bad film) it most definitely is not, and nor does it contain any trolls, but rather goblins. In fact, the town the family visit in the film is called Nilbog, which anyone with any sense can see is "goblin" spelled backwards and is a key hallmark of how badly designed Troll 2 is. The soundtrack is also completely irrelevant to the setting and ambience of the film, and the werewolf featured on the original cover never appeared anywhere in the film.
Lesson: Make sure the title and music are actually relevant to the overall film premise!
7. Highlander 2: The Quickening (1991). This built upon the success of the original Highlander film, based on the televised series of the same name. However, it flopped spectacularly, for several reasons: firstly, it failed to follow a proper sequence from the predecessor films, as any sequel is meant to do, secondly, it lacks any real effort for either the characters or the new premise, thirdly, it changes the atmosphere in such a way (from fantasy to science fiction) that it insults the original Highlander film, and fourthly, it adopts the retconning technique when it had no need to do so. Whilst two other terrible sequels to excellent original films have received ratings close to the appalling ratings this film has achieved (namely Exorcist 2 and Jaws: The Revenge), I have selected Highlander 2: The Quickening because it is not even a proper sequel to the first film.
Lesson: A sequel is only a sequel when it properly follows on from the original film!
8. Gigli (2003). This excuse for a romantic comedy notably starred many A-list actors, including Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, and Al Pacino. The plot is dreadful and largely nonsensical, it is not amusing despite trying to be a comedy film, nor is there much romance. It is an exercise in how first-class actors cannot improve a terrible script or plot.
Lesson: The quality of the film is just as important as the talent and renown of the actors in it!
9. Disaster Movie (2008). This film attempted to parody the disaster film genre, well known for overplaying disasters and often absurd premises. It failed to do so, relying too much on forced humour (which is not humourous at all), pop culture gags, and ripping off as many references at all. The overall film is too absurd to be amusing or even approach the term "quality" and it tries too hard to parody apocalyptic films At least the title of this film is half accurate-it qualifies as an unmitigated disaster.
Lesson: There are limits in film-making and parody-know where they are!
10. United Passions (2015). This is nothing more than a self-aggrandising propaganda exercise for FIFA, which was also so badly timed as it coincided with the FIFA corruption scandal. In fact 90% of the film's budget, almost none of which was made back at the box office, was financed by FIFA. Just after it premiered, however, everyone could see that this "drama film", if it can be called that, for the propoganda exercise that it was. Not only is the drama poor but the topic was not a good subject for a film and it is so blatantly biased in favour of FIFA, even when the corruption scandal was well-known. If anything, it further damaged FIFA's reputation and painted them as more arrogant than they already were.
Lesson: Films should never be used for corporate propaganda purposes!
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